The last door has been closed. I reach to stop it but something holds me back. I realize I won't find answers there. I keep floundering around not even sure what I am saying anymore or which way to go. You were right the path for the right answers is a complicated one. A long and difficult path. One I will have to go on alone. I'm sorry I drove you away. I'm sorry about all of it. I've never been so confused and frustrated in my life then I am now.
Thoughts constantly swirl through my head like a relentless storm. Is this a midlife crisis? Do I even know what love is anymore? Is this how its supposed to feel? Is there no middle ground or compromise? Why the silent treatment? Why can't we just talk it out? Maybe I'm just going crazy. I always thought as more time passed I would understand you and life more. It seems quite the opposite. I keep trying to piece together these thoughts.
Why do I bother write it in this blog? That is probably the simplest of answers. I have no one else to talk to. At the least I can read over it when I am feeling lost. I journey on weary and battered. Trying to make sense of it all. I want to make it back to ... well I'm not sure what anymore. I'm not even sure there are wrongs to be righted. I don't think I will ever understand love and why it makes me do the stupidest things.
Please excuse me while I slip into a troubled sleep.
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